Throughout my existence I have never taken the time to really know how I am different.  A lot of people already assume that it's because I am gay and yes that makes me different from a lot of people, but it doesn't really encompass how isolated, lonely and completely adjacent I am to everyone that I know.  The way I feel 99% of the time in every situation that I am in I always deep down know that I am odd in some way, not completely 'normal' or what everyone perceives me to be.  It comes in waves where sometimes I manage to handle a situation but being honest to myself 90% of the time I would prefer to just walk away, to a place where there are so few to live out the time I have here, wondering what it is I am and why I am here.

As most of you know I am back working for Telstra, in a completely different role to what I have done before.  At first I really did think that I fit in to this team, so many different personalities where I etched into myself that I was around similar people who were the extreme compared to everyone else.  So many things about who I thought I was in the daily working life I really just don't know.  I've been told on numerous occasions that the 'work me' is so different to the person that I really am.  I'm bolder, louder, funnier and even more charming than the person I am at home, relaxed and somewhat content with my existence.  One person though seems to understand me, looking at me different than everyone else, knowing that there is more to me than meets the eye.  I guess that's true, usually I give so much away about who I am but I can't do that here, I get preyed on and made to feel as though I'm not coping, that I'm insignificant and really it was a waste to have me there in the first place.

Melbourne is fantastic.  It's the kind of place where all types of people can come to mingle and associate with people of the same nature and really start to express the type of person they are.  That part of my move I'm still waiting to happen.  I meet people, I socialise with people.  In the end I feel like I'm always ending up on the side of the room watching others as they easily connect and really take in the new.  Believe me I do what I can to 'fit' in to those that are around me, I keep up the enthusiasm that is required to really enjoy my time wherever I end up being.  At the end of it all I always know that I did what I could, but it just wasn't enough.  I want to have a lot of friends, I want to be that happy person I am 'known' to be, when really I feel as though I don't deserve this, I'm different, there is something in how I am as a person that pulls me back into wanting to be alone.

Tonight I was out for a friends birthday where I knew less than a handful of people.  For the first time I didn't have the strength to rise up to an occasion where I could be that loud, obnoxious, enthusiastic guy that everyone is used to.  I just wanted to be alone.  I wanted to sit there, preferably a fly on the wall where I could take in what was going on at the party, but didn't really have to be there.  I was glad that I was there for my friend, but something was tugging at my insides reeling as to why I was there with other people around me.  I don't understand this feeling, being alone has felt so horrible for so long it's as though finally I'm used to it, starting to crave the isolation where all I have is my mind and fiction to keep me sane and being enough to survive.

This whole evening, plus the last few weeks, has made me question the type of person I really am.  I feel quite different, on a different level to people around me.  I isolate myself when I get close,  I enclose myself with my thoughts when I start to get the things I originally set out to achieve.  It gets more difficult in the end to really know what it is in life that I really want. I've thought of going somewhere else, I've thought of starting afresh so soon, to a point where I don't want to surround myself with people who are 'like' me but people that would get to a point where they may understand me.  Somewhere isolated, somewhere cold, the heat I once craved no longer appeals to me, I would prefer to be alone. 

That said though I still want someone; someone that really is my equal and is meant to be with me for the rest of our days.  A person in my life that wants to share the loneliness with me, to just be us without everything else in this world ruining it.  I've seen so much happen to so many others, outside influences in a relationship that ultimately end up being its demise.  I want to be free, free of all the looks, gawking, expectations and pressure that I have pushing me down like a spider being crushed.  I'm beginning to wonder, at 26 if it's really going to happen and I get the 'happily ever after' scenario that I have always known would find me.  Someone to sweep me off my feet and really know that I am all to them as they are to me.  I love completely, as if nothing else exists, is that what is different? Is there anyone else that thinks the same way I do?

For the first time I really don't know the answer to my questions.  I usually am able to sum everything up in a few sentences to make myself understand the things that are going through my head.  Right now I just don't know; I don't know still what it is that makes me so different, so parallel to everyone and everything around me, as if it's a constant haze across my eyes as I wake up every morning.  I begin to wonder if I'll ever know, or if I am going to continue to float around in life just wondering, trying to figure out exactly who it is I am and what I am supposed to be doing.  I think I have played it well so far, I just don't know how much longer I can hold out for.  The end of each day ends with a tear, where I still feel lost, hopeless and still questioning where it is I am supposed to be and who I should be doing it with. 

In the end.. I really just don't know.  Believe me I wish I could, because than I guess I could hide it.  Hide what it is about me that makes people go away.  I really just don't know.  The real question is do I want to know what it is? Do I really want to know the time I am going to spend lonely without that person coming in to share? I am beginning to understand that those who meet their loved one are the lucky ones.  I feel like there is more, something else out there that would give me what I seem to need in order to feel complete, less alone.  I guess in the end, all I'm trying to say is.. The loneliness is palpable.

There are different periods in our lives really stick out in our mind, times of ease and triumph, coupled with those of misery, hardship and unsettling emotions.  It's amazing how these aspects affect us, how one can quickly change and be so unsure about life and what is going on around us.  No matter how hard we try we have a sense of unrest, we seem to struggle to keep pushing forward and everything seems just that much harder than before.  These periods don't always last for long, but can be quite hard to shake at the time of which we are feeling them.  The more I think I can't help but wonder; Are the struggles we go through always indicative of unresolved past which keep propping up until we finally see what the point is? Or are we merely putting up our own hurdles because we are scared of getting what we really deserve?

I've been living in Melbourne for 3 months now, I can't exactly say it's been the most easy of transitions from my previous life to this whole new world before me here.  Some days are harder than others, some situations seem just too difficult to go through and I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster at which any moment I could hurl and pass out.  I've been bashed, lonely, frustrated, nervous and felt so out of place that I sometimes question why I am really here.  On the opposite side I have laughed, met some amazing people and begun to open up to others when I really wasn't sure I would be able to.  I've struggled. There are situations which I've never experienced before, feelings that are so new to me and I wonder if my usual coping mechanisms are standing up to the task.  I've never felt unsure about who I am before, my boundaries are being pushed to the limits and sometimes I wonder if I'll actually get through it.

At the moment I'm in a temp job at which I consider hell on earth (I remember come downs that were more pleasant!).  Don't get me wrong I've met some great people (and not so great!) which has made me realise that past experiences with employers aren't as bad as to what it can be like in the outside world.  I've applied to go back to Telstra as an Account Manager, a job at which I was able to sink my teeth into and no matter how stressful, was able to believe in myself to be the best I could be.  I've struggled.  Finding work hasn't been the most easiest of experiences, one can begin to doubt their self worth and question their abilities to a point where you don't think you can survive.  I feel that this current struggle is telling me that my previous employment wasn't as terrible as I once felt.  Yes I was dealt some hard hands but I think if I were to have played it differently, things would have worked out better than they are now. 

I think finding friends has been the most difficult part of my move down here after leaving some of the most amazing people in the world.  I miss them dearly and amongst trying to convince them to move here, I realised that the hurdles I am facing to meet great people is in the end going to bring me to some amazing people who I will be able to trust, enjoy and love as much as I do those I left behind.  I've struggled.  It's not easy, especially in the Gay world when circles are pre-formed, groups are water tight and getting in there is a constant struggle to show who you really are and have people embrace you for it.  Have you ever felt so alone that you could scream and it'd be like no-one would notice?  I feel like I am the new kid in school, having to prove myself as being worthy of friendships, in a world where I know so few, from a world where I knew them all. 

Living with Str8_Cus has been fantastic, my one tie to normality in a whirlwind of change and emotion.  Like all family we have our differences and like all flatmate's we have our frustrations.  It's a different world living with family, even more so living with a heterosexual male.  There is a lot that I don't understand, a lot that I don't want to understand and situations I don't want anything to do with.  I've struggled.  I try to understand and do my utmost to relate to the person he is and for the majority I can, I do and go along with it.  But there are times at which I can't get my head around certain things and although I will never pass judgement, things play on my mind generating unrest and feelings of resentment that I've never had to deal with before.  My question is though; am I able to let go of these emotions before I literally go postal even though I'm not sure how to?  Or, am I being taught new things that I need to understand in order to grow as a more complete person?

There are so many things that hinge on one another for me to feel finally settled in this new city and this new life.  Job prospects will give me more security, which in turn allow growth socially that then allows for me to meet someone at which I can look at settling down with.  I feel like it's a waiting game on a field with no timer, so much uncertainty like I am an actor in a play at which I don't know the lines.  I've struggled.  It's like a game of Jenga where either emotionally or physically if the wrong brick is removed, it will all come crashing down around me.  Do you know what it's like to have everything finely balanced like a trapeze artist on a rope?  One unsure movement and you will lose balance and everything falls apart?  I feel that when I finally walk off that rope, I remove the final movable piece and start my own timer I will be happy with life and everything that's in it, allowing for someone special to enter it.

In the end I think the struggles we face are in effect our inability to keep control of our lives all the time and really look at things positively.  Things can get worse, it's not the end of the world because if we are able to believe that we can have true happiness, it doesn't matter about the things we go through to get there, but knowing what is on the other side.  If you have to worry only do it about the things that really matter, don't wallow in the things that are insignificant and will ultimately sort themselves out in the end.  Hurdles are meant to be jumped over and struggles may feel heavy, but knowing you're a strong person and taking the time to understand what's making us feel this way allow us to release the weight and move through pain, uncertainty and loneliness.  Your life is meant to be lived, how you see fit, don't look at hurdles as a struggle, but more a challenge for your mind to a world of great experiences.  I've survived.

Mik ;)

Life is the longest journey, our existence, our growth, our living and even our death.  It starts the moment we are born and the ends the moment we die.  Everything else in between is just a means to an end, an existence which is purely defined by our achievements and how we get from the start to the finish line.  There are many different paths that we are able to take, opportunities to be seized, lessons to learn which create moments of sheer happiness, and sadness.  There is loss, there is change but there is no set way in which we are to proceed in this thing we call life.  The more I think I can't help but wonder; if we are merely just finding different paths to get us to the finish line, why are we in such a hurry to get there and what is it we are looking for at the end?

Have you ever stopped and wondered what you really want to get out of life and this journey you are on?  What is the point to all the hustle and bustle, the trials and tribulations that we are facing daily and why are we all rushing to get to a point at which we aren't right now 100% sure exists?  We work for most of our lives, we build relationships with people, we hurt, we love, we cry and we smile.  We are continually moving along different paths, sometimes we chop and change and others we are at a standstill.  We all hear people say that as time goes by it seems to go faster and faster and we lose track of where we are, what has happened and we think about why.  Everybody is different, everybody has different values but have you ever stopped to think exactly where you are headed and what you really want when you get to the end?

My life has somewhat changed paths over the last few months, quite dramatically really being I am now living in Victoria trying to find my place in a totally different world than what I'm used to.  I'm at a point in my life where I am now forced to think about different paths, assess my priorities and figure out what truly matters to me.  My life before was somewhat monotonous, stagnant you could say where I was going through the motions day after day just wondering what was the point.  What did I want as time ticks by and the scenery speeds past quicker and quicker each day.  I made a choice, something completely different where I am forced out of my comfort zone to see how I bounce back, where the chips lay and how I put them back together again.  I'm still figuring this out as days go by and very slowly, pieces are fitting together in a puzzle that I have no idea what it looks like. 

Have you ever felt alone on your journey?  Like you're just driving down a long stretch of road and you feel like there is nothing ahead of you, nothing beside you and the loneliness is palpable?  You feel so transparent that you don't even know if people are seeing the real you?  I've had moments like this, fleeting as they are but enough to make me think about what I really want to get out of this journey, that maybe I need to slow down a little and just take in all the scenery and really take notice of where I am going.  When I have this feeling it really makes me understand what I do have in my life, more to the point it's the people I have around me who are making this road less rocky.  I need these people in my life as sometimes that feeling is so intense, that even a mere thought of them eases the pain and makes the journey more worthwhile.

I really did underestimate the effects such a major change in path was going to have on me.  I miss people, I miss routine, I miss the smiles on my niece and nephews faces when I walked into the room.  It sometimes brings a tear to my eye knowing that their paths are so far away from mine, that the intersections are fewer and further between than they used to be.  In the end I know this is actually helping me, I'm growing, I'm living and I am appreciating even more the things I have in my life that I may have taken for granted.  I now understand what people truly mean to me, their presence in my life is something to be coveted and is something special and not just those I have left behind, but also those that I have here with me now.  I have people, those very few who I have to help me in life's direst of circumstances, my people, who are apart of who I am and I just don't work without them.  Ask yourself who these people are in your life and are you truly appreciative of who they are for you?

I like to think that at this moment in time I am at a stop where I am truly trying to figure out where I am supposed to be going from here.  I have a new home, a new life and the real question remains on how I am going to start living it.  Everything here is new, I'm looking for a new job, I have new friends (plus a close old one), new priorities and a new road.  Now I just need to work on where that next path is going to lead me.  I'm beginning to realise that no matter what path I take, no matter how windy the road, what I am really heading towards is being truly happy.  It doesn't matter how much money I have, the amount of things that I own, it's more about those things that are important to me like friends, family and love.

I want you to think about the last time you felt truly happy, what was it in that exact moment that gave you that feeling.  Don't think about the physical aspects of that moment but the feeling.  What was it that made you feel this way?  I'm not talking about a particular person or thing, but the emotion behind that which made you stop, think and realise how special that moment is.  It may be feelings of success, accomplishment, acceptance and even Love.  This is what we are chasing, this is the point of the journey and why we do the things along the way that help us get there in the end.  We all know in the back of our minds that this is the reason we work so hard, we make directional choices and grow to be the best we can be because we know that when the journey is over and we've reached that finish line, that moment of true happiness is going to be there, waiting.

Mik ;)

They say that every good thing has to come to an end, highs are followed by lows and what goes up must come down.  I'm sure that we all can remember times in our lives where there are distinct endings; relationships, friendships, good times, bad times and in essence, eras.  Others seem to just close off without much of a look back to see what has happened and whether we learned valuable lessons.  Sometimes we end things, other times it's something out of our control, it just happens whether we want it to or not.  The more I think I can't help but wonder; When stages in our lives come to an end, are we able to truly start a new beginning if we haven't learnt what we were supposed to throughout that chapter?

Wow, time has gone so fast over the past few months.  I've met new people, made new decisions, had the highs along with the lows and all of a sudden the time has come, a major ending to such a huge part of my life which is filled with excitement, smiles, fears and tears.  Once I had decided that it was time to move to Melbourne, there was a lot of things that were able to be let go of, things I didn't have to worry about until the beginning of my 'new' life down in the Garden State. New opportunities are presenting themselves to me daily, opening my eyes to the path I am about to embark on but at the same time there is so much history that is coming back to me about what it is that has got me to where I am today.

Work for everyone is something that takes up quite a lot of their lives, there is the constant struggle to keep a work/life balance and without that, people end up exhausted, resenting this part of their life which I feel is a major contributor to the lows we go through.  I have managed to have a work/life balance by adjusting my attitude towards my work and how I let it affect me.  I work for a great company, where I am able to see the vision of the person leading it and I know where I want to be when I get down to Melbourne.  I'm on the verge of a great job, something that I can sink my teeth into and really excel at and for a change, it's not sales! My Telstra life is coming to an end here in Brisbane, I'm very torn on how I feel.  I have met so many amazing people who I love, which the thought of leaving them brings tears to my eyes, but I am so excited about what lies ahead of me.  I guess we'll see how I hold up at the going away..

I was saying before that there were a lot of things that I was able to let go of, the biggest thing for me was no longer pressuring myself to meet someone, someone that is everything that I am looking for, a person I can truly fall for.  I felt a major sense of relief and all of a sudden I wasn't bothered, I was able to really enjoy being single and just meet great people.  I have met some really good guys by going out for lunches, dinner and knowing that they aren't expecting anything from me, helped me to just relax and be myself, and in turn great friendships have evolved and I have realised that there are still good guys out there and one day I will meet the one that's right for me.  I have learnt so much and realised that even if I am going out on a date, it's not an interview, just be yourself and don't hold back about the person you truly are because in the end, that's what it's about.  It's not about creating a false persona just to impress someone, because in the end secrets always come out and what is the point of trying to be something you're not? Inevitably, that aspect will crash around you and you'll have to start all over again. 

My friends have been my salvation through many great times and some serious lows.  These people are the ones who I truly care for, those that have stood by me when I have made some regrettable decisions in my life and even when I have been wronged by other people.  There is no judgement, no misconceptions around the relationship because deep down it's unconditional, through thick and thin.  This era of friendships up here in Brisbane is really hard to let go of, to move on to another life where I don't have that constant contact without having to use a phone line.  Don't get me wrong of course the friendships will live on, but the time has come to move on, there are those who I will never let go of (they know who they are) but now I have the space to let more people into my life, with their own uniqueness and individuality.  This I look forward to, but at the same time I'm so saddened because such a great era of friendships are ending, coming to a close.

They say that the world gives you signs to validate the path you are on, creating a sense of comfort and although it may seem a little scary, the fear subsides rather quickly.  So many things have fallen into place to show me that the path I have chosen to go down is the right one.  Different people are also coming back into my life at the same time and already a whole new picture is being painted, although I can't see the whole picture yet, it is only just the beginning.  Have you ever just known that something is right?  They say that seeing the number 1 in succession is a sign - "The 11 carries a vibrational frequency of balance. It represents male & female equality. It contains sun and moon both - while holding them both separate. Perfect balance".  Do you find that you look at a clock and see 11:11 all the time? The number 1 appears all the time in many things that you do? Take this as a sign of you being on the right track, someone very close to me made me realise this significance and it's helped me understand what is going on in my life right now.  It's time, things are in place for the next stage of my life, the first 25 years have ended, now it's time for a new beginning.

At the start of this I was querying about if whether we can move on if we haven't learnt from the past.  Many things happen to us to help us throughout our lives and allow us to validate the things we do.  Signs are shown to us that we are on the right track and when we're not, we seem to end up repeating the same part over and over until we get out of it what we're meant to.  This whole piece cements the fact that we as people learn from every component of our lives, to take those lessons in order to become the person we are meant to be.  It makes us realise that there is more to just going through life taking things as they come and just watching it pass us by.  Your life is what you make of it, the lessons you learn, the chapters that you close and the new ones that you open.  How many times have you wondered if you were on the right path in life? How many of you have found yourself in the same situation over and over again?  Take a step back and really look into what is going on around you so you can take on board the lessons we are meant to learn, because really, in the end, it's the only way you are going to be able to have a truly new beginning.

Mik ;)

Our lives can be split into so many different chapters, different stages, moving on, moving away, growing up, growing old and ultimately becoming who we are meant to be.  Things seem to go by so quickly, one minute we're here, than all of a sudden our lives are in completely different places.  There is so much that goes on every day, every hour, every minute of every day.  To look back we can think about how much time is wasted, how many opportunities are seized and are we doing things with our lives that deep down we want to do.  The more I think I can't help but wonder; Are we so busy 'living' our lives that we're too busy to experience the things that can make us a better person?

So much has taken place over the past few months I'm really not sure where to start.  I have moved across into the Mobility Device Sales Specialist role within Telstra Business here in Brisbane.  It's a full on job, I feel like I work so much harder in this role than I did as an Account Executive.  The constant emails, the constant requests, Analysis spreadsheets one after the other makes the days flow and things just seem to blur and mix together like a kaleidoscope.  It's like I have woken up and months have passed and I feel like I'm in the same space I was when I shut my eyes.  It's now come to the stage where I have had to make a change.

How many of you have wondered where time has got to?  It seems like as we get older that time seems to move faster and we don't have as much time as we used to?  Why is that?  I think that even though we have the same amount of hours in a day, we have begun to jam so much into it that we lose track of what is really important and expect more from ourselves based on the fact we're older and should be able to handle everything that life throws at us.  We all have gone through a lot this year, we have all learnt, all grown and all become closer to who we want to be. The question we all still face is; are we where we thought we would be at this stage of our lives, or are we lagging behind?

Over the past few months many decisions have presented themselves, many that I have broached before and was able to put out of my mind for some reason or another.  The most recent is that I am going to be relocating my entire life down to Melbourne.  For so long I have wanted to make the move, things were always going to be holding me back and keeping me here, but for some reason things are different, I've lived more and realised that there is more to life and the things that were keeping me here aren't as significant as they once seemed.  After a 2.5 hour plane ride I realised, my old life wouldn't be so far behind, that I am going to be just a few steps ahead of that where I am doing what I have always wanted to do and be the person I want to be.  Yes, I am moving.

All of a sudden there is a whole new world open to me.  I have the opportunity to have a clean slate in a place where I only know a few people and no one knows what I am truly capable of.  Work will be at a stage where all they have heard is stories, they've never experienced who I am and what I can do first hand and I have the biggest opportunity to blow them away.  Here in Brisbane I have impressed so far, with what I have implemented and the way I interact with my team.  Melbourne, really, watch out.. I'm coming..

Although this entry is short and sweet it plays to the theme of really taking opportunities for what they are, living in the moment and really looking into yourself to what you really want to do with your life and truly live.  Life is the sum of all our experiences, and if we are unable to experience those things we truly want to explore, what kind of life is that going to amount to?  I say that we should be taking all these opportunities by the horns, listening to our gut instincts and living in the moment.  Ask yourself, how many things have you let slip by because you just weren't sure?  How much better could your life be if you really did what you wanted to do and actually lived the life that you have been given?  Because really, if you don't and you're disappointed, who else can you blame?

Mik ;)

In a perfect world we'll all be happy, we'll all get along, live harmoniously and have everything that we want out of life.  That would be a perfect world.  The world we live in seems to be full of people who are selfish, indulgent, conniving and won't stop at anything to get what they want regardless of who they hurt along the way.  It seems that over time we as people have lost sight of the bigger picture; it's no longer about us, it's all about me.  We want things, we get things and that seems to be the driving factor behind what most of us think life is about.  How are we getting these things?  Who are we hurting in the process?  The more I think I can't help but wonder; In a society that tells us that we can get what we want, are we becoming more self obsessed and forgetting what really matters?

Wikipedia states that "a want is something desired having to do with , distinct from a need. It's said that we have unlimited wants, but limited supplied resources. Thus, we can't have everything we want and must look for the best alternatives".  I remember being a little kid where all I wanted was some lollies, McDonalds or something like that because the simple things made me happy.  As I have gotten older, the wants have become a little more expensive and a little harder to get.  I wonder why things have changed so much as the years have passed and why these wants keep getting bigger and more extravagant.  What are the reasons behind wanting that really hot car?  Do I want it so I can look different towards other people? Do I want it because others don't have it?  When I was a kid, lollies and McDonalds made me happy, but what comes to mind is that back then, I couldn't afford it myself.  I had to rely on my parents to get it for me.  Behind this want for Cars, McDonalds, Televisions and extravagance, are we really wanting this because at the time they were just out of our reach?

Most people I know want to have the best career that they can have, working their way up the corporate ladder, studying to be the best in their chosen field which begs the question; when it comes to your career, is all fair in getting to the top?  I've seen ruthless people in my time, doing whatever it takes to make it to the top and in the end don't really care about those around them as long as they get where they want to be.  Who is to say they're doing something wrong working this way?  We're told growing up that we can be the best, in a lot of cases we're told we already are but where do we draw the line? When do we take a step back and realise that there is more to life than getting everything we want when you may not have anyone to share it with?  Don't you think that having special people around you to help enjoy the fruits of your labour would be just that much sweeter?

Wanting different things should make us happy when we get them, but it's amazing how it just makes us want more.  What other people have makes us change our wants to make us appear 'better' than them, a bigger TV, a faster car, nicer shoes or that one of a kind one of a kind Louis Vuitton satchel bag (ok, that's me) to set us apart from the rest.  We are conditioned to think that by getting these things will make us better but the sheer desire to have these things in some cases outweighs common sense and decency where people do stupid things to prove that they can have them.  People steal, people cheat and people lie, just to get what they want and really in the end, is it worth it?  What happened to being happy with what you have in life and just living without the stress, pain and self doubt?

In love we all have wants, most of which we try to pass off as needs which somehow allows us to justify actions to get things that we can't have.  To be in love is something special, you have that emotional connection with someone who makes you feel complete, where you well up just thinking about that person and everything is just perfect.  Ok you may have guessed that this is what I know it to be like but over the years it's been interesting to see couples in 'love' and the different ways they seem to build their relationship.  My understanding of a relationship is where two people see something in each other that makes them want to know more, becoming more emotionally connected and fall in love with that person as a whole, with all their faults, flaws and features.  Ask yourself, what do you understand a relationship to be?

What I have seen is that people seem to think that not even if they're in a relationship, if they can't get something they want from that person they love, they should be able to go elsewhere to get it.  What ever happened to compromise, understanding and truly being with one person?  How can we even fathom going outside our relationship just to fulfil a want when you have something that not everyone in this life will get to have?  Have we become so selfish and self-obsessed that we have lost sight of the bigger picture and what we REALLY want out of life?  Have was started to take for granted everything that we really want for those things that we can't have?  Do we have to lose those things we really need just to understand how important they really are?

There are so many things in this life that we want, some more than others and the way in which we get them will differ.  What we need to realise is that some wants should really just stay that way, as wants, because what is the point of risking everything to fulfil something so insignificant and really doesn't mean that much in the bigger picture?  What have we become where we don't really care about who we affect in our pursuit for 'true happiness?'  There are so many other things in life that can make us happy without hurting others.  Is it really true that you don't know what you have got until it's gone and when it comes down to it, really worth everything?  The actual question to ask then is, will it really make you happy?

Communication is universal in the way people correspond and connect with each other.  In this day and age there are so many different ways at which we are able to accomplish this; Internet, Phone, Email, Letters and through Direct Verbal conversations. In this day and age technology advances so rapidly, it is bringing us a step closer to those we love, hate and whomever we have dealings with both personally or for business.  Our society bases so much on communication that so much can fall apart if there is a breakdown in how we communicate.  The more I think I can't help but wonder; In a society where technology is making communication easier, are we actually getting worse at communicating?

Working for Australia's largest Telecommunications Company makes me realise how much emphasis we put on communicating for Business, be that with suppliers, customers, manufacturers and even the transfer of information between all of them.  It's amazing how a customer can go from being the nicest person to downright nasty when something goes awry because that link between them and those at which they're communicating with is broken.  You would think that if it was so important, they'd pay the extra money to have the more reliable service but at the time the monthly costs are their biggest concern and it's "your fault" when something goes wrong.  Sometimes, no matter how much you communicate effectively, you just can't win.

As time has passed, technology has surpassed all expectations in showing us how easy it can be to keep in contact with those we love.  Mobile Phones have revolutionised communicating across the globe with instant real time conversations, text messaging and even via the Internet on MSN & Web Cams.  Do you remember having a pen pal where you would wait a week for a letter to arrive in the mail?  Do you remember how exciting it was reading about your relatives lives in other countries around the world?  Now it's just a matter of sending a simple SMS, which is delivered within seconds directly to them.

The Internet is the way of the future.  When many sceptics thought it was a fad which had no future, it has grown into a whole completely different world where in many cases, you can be anything that you want.  It's the best way to transfer information quickly, securely and efficiently.  MSN & Web Cam has allowed us to somewhat hide behind a computer screen so we are able to portray ourselves in ways that could be different to the people that we are.  Is this really a good way to communicate?  By making 'communication' easier, it seems that we are able to hide, lie, play games and in the end make it harder for people to really know who they're talking to.  Is this really the way we want it to be? I know I'd prefer to know someone for who they truly are as a person and not the persona they create for themselves.

Building relationships with people is made easier if we're able to communicate effectively with how we are feeling and what we are thinking.  Years before this high tech revolution, people would meet, date, and be honest with each other about how they are feeling and there was less opportunity for mind games and playing people.  Now we are in a society where people think it's ok to forget common courtesy and no finish a relationship in a way that shows appreciation for what the two people had together.  Have you ever been broken up with via SMS? Phone Call? Or worse, MSN??  How dejected did it make you feel to know that you weren't even worth the effort have being told to your face?

I think it's hard enough to meet someone that we want to form a relationship with without all the extra things to worry about as to why they aren't replying to our text messages, why they're not answering our calls or even going offline when we log in.  Have you ever worried whether someone likes you for this reason? Isn't it amazing how this 160 character text message on a screen can alter our emotions and we rely so heavily on them to keep in touch with someone who we have REAL feelings for? I wonder what life would be like if we didn't have this in the first place.

In the end, there really is no stopping the rate at which technology is evolving and communication is becoming more instant and 'easier' to do.  As you can see it's how we as users of the technology put it into action in our lives and not use it as a tool to hide behind.  By doing so, aren't we just crippling ourselves socially by making it harder to form true and meaningful relationships with people we are interested in, love and hold so dear?  If we communicate what is on our minds simply, giving the receiver of the information clear understanding of what we're portraying can only open us up to true connections with amazing people.  I must say that as a person who is looking for that one true connection, I know what I need to work on if I'm ever going to find him.  What do you think?

Mik

We all get nervous, butterflies in the stomach, constant wondering and fear of what will or won't happen.  It can be about a decision that's being made, a fear of the unknown and even due to excess energy and excitement.  We all react differently when we're nervous, some crack under the pressure, some flourish and excel well beyond their first expectations.  What causes these nerves? Why is it so hard to deal with them and why do we make rash decisions, fall apart and even make situations worse than what they could ever possibly be?  The more I think I can't help but wonder; are nerves determined by the amount of pressure we put on ourselves and if so, why is it so hard to relax and just let things take their course?

I have a tendency to get nervous about quite a few different things, work, relationships, winning, losing and just excelling in general.  It has been happening a lot more of late, making me wonder why I keep going through the motions of getting nervous, cracking, excelling and than have to sit back and deal with the outcome be it good or bad.

Being an Account Executive for Telstra is a fast paced sales role, where timing is key, relationship building is essential and dealing with problem after problem is just something you have to deal with day to day.  After so many dramas day after day begins to take its toll, I begin to get nervous about the phone calls I have to make, just expecting customers to throw more issues my way and really, there is only so much yelling and blame that one person can take.  How does one overcome these nerves? It's something I have to do as part of the job but how can I overcome this constant fear of being yelled at to excel at the job I'm paid for?

I have started playing tennis again, training is good, plus there are 2 lots of fixtures each week.  I am playing with my good friends Sportsman & Mr_Ambition and although I'm having a great time, can't play to save myself.  In training I am hitting the ball crisply, clean and hitting the lines.  As soon as I step onto the court, I'm instantly on the defensive, the butterflies in my stomach are ongoing and I sometimes feel quite sick.  How am I supposed play a good game when I can't stop thinking about winning, living up to expectation, losing, being great at what I love, being terrible at what I love, having people judge my skill and in the end, having people judge me. How do I stop my mind from racing?

Sometimes meeting new people, conversation flows, friends are made and sometimes, being more than friends.  We manage to get people's attention just by being who we are, raw and in the end not really caring about what they think of us because we are who we are and shouldn't have to change.  We're all smiles, full of laughs and good times and there isn't anything that bothers us, we're uninhibited because we have nothing to lose, but all to gain.  The question is though is why does that feeling go away when we've already put in the hard yards, got that persons interest and it's time to just relax, enjoy each other's company and build on what you've started.

I have been talking to Classy_BF who has found herself in a situation with a guy where she made the move, he reciprocated and they had a connection which was looking like it could go further after the first meeting.  A few days without contact and speaking from experience and it's not just Classy_BF that we all wonder, we get nervous and begin to doubt how great we really are.

So why do we get nervous about that person losing interest, finding someone else when they haven't given us reason to think that way?  Our minds go into overdrive, we turn into wallowing messes and it's not the easiest feeling to shake.  We know that everything is ok, but for a small period of time, usually just a day or two, we expect that dreaded phone call to say "it's over" "I'm sorry" and then back at square one.  Why can't we just enjoy a drama free 'relationship' and just go with the flow?  This day and age do we need the drama to make a relationship work and are we unable to believe that things can be good all the time?

In the end, nerves regarding any situation can be controlled, as long as we're able to look at situations rationally and really just be who we are and forget about what others think about us because really, in the end, does it really matter? We all only have one life to live and it's all about how we choose to live it.  We aren't necessarily going to be the best at everything, but if you can believe in yourself and not be afraid of decisions that you make, it will be a lot easier in the end to handle whatever that outcome may be. I know I'm trying to not over-analyse, just go with the flow and really, in the end, isn't life easier when there isn't any drama?

Mik ;)

There are so many different labels that we as people give ourselves, others and situations.  We label ourselves in relationships, our orientations, our jobs and even our lives.  Labels can be definitive of who we are and what people think of us.  They can come with preconceptions and assumptions as to what we are like as people and with that stereotypes are born, categorising people into a pigeon hole which they can spend a lifetime trying to shake and be seen for the person they actually are.  The more I think I can't help but wonder; by labeling something in our lives is it a way of having it end before it’s started?

There are so many different types of people in this world, sexually you have gay and straight, culturally there is black and white and then there are the terms Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband and Wife.  We label people so that we are able to differentiate between them and in some cases create somewhat of a class system to make ourselves feel more important than others.  Are we that insecure in ourselves that we need to label people so that we can feel better?  Being gay I know that I am different to the norm, but to me it feels normal.  Who has a right to tell me that what I am is wrong?  By labeling me it's as though society is branding me as "different" and therefore in some circles, shunned.  It's no-one’s business apart from my own what I do with my life so really, why have such a label that comes with so much stigma attached to it?

I find it funny that in so many cases that we are told how great it is to be individual but at the same time we are lead to believe that all people are created equal.  We are creatures of survival and will do anything it takes to do so, but what I don't understand is how no matter what is rammed down our throats, it's always a general consensus that as long as you get to where you want to be, it doesn't matter whose toes you crush along the way.  Who's to say that there is a right or wrong way to live our lives being that we are 'conditioned' to act as though we are better than everyone else and by labeling them it helps us justify our actions because that's just how life works. 

Labels can be hurtful, derogatory, loving, and healthy and can help us explain different things in life.  We have labels for friends like Best Friend, Mate and Buddy, and for those we don't like, words of which I won't use on here.  By doing this are we setting a standard for those people in a way that they have to live up to a certain expectation about the person we need them to be?  Is this healthy?  We want our best friends to be everything to us and help us along the way but is it possible for them to be all that for us?  We don't expect ourselves to have all the answers so is it fair to label someone as though they should?

For me, one of the biggest labels there are has to do with relationships.  I have longed to meet someone that will label me their boyfriend and me to do the same to them.  Over the past few weeks I was dating a fantastic guy and we were taking things slow.  Slow to the point of nothing based on the fact we saw each other once a week and was more of a comfort thing than anything else.  I wanted that label, I wanted him to say I was his and in the end it happened to be something that was part of its demise.  I wanted something that he didn't.  I have started to realise that by creating that label it's somewhat caging and restrictive on a person and to expect them to lose part of themselves to be with you. 

A relationship free of labels would allow 2 people to come together as individuals and compliment the great people that they are by being together.  We are all different and want different things from relationships and I think that if someone can tell you that they only want to be with you is enough of a reason to keep it going.  What kind of relationship is it when you feel caged into being 'owned' by someone else?  I think the labels could fade away as long as a person knows where they stand with the other and doesn't feel as though they aren't a part of something between 2 people.  So really, if you both communicate with each other, is there really a need to label them as your own?  As long as you know that they're only with you can you really appreciate what you have, no labels necessary.

It comes down to who we are and our own mind frames to whether we can do without labeling people into a particular pigeon hole.  If we are truly happy with ourselves and our lives than does it really matter about how other people live their lives and be the people they want to be?  Does it matter if someone is gay or straight, black or white as long as they are good people and aren't hurting others in their journey?  I know that I am a good person and I am not a stereotype.  I am just me and that's enough for me.

In the end, should you really care about what someone thinks of you if you are loved by those around you and want to have you in their lives?  I guess it's an individual thing and there are so many factors as to why we label.  Some things I'll still want labels for, but now I have a greater clarity and won't have such a need for it in a relationship.  That in itself is liberating as I know that when the right guy comes along, we'll just be together and be true to the person we are, because when you think about it, that's why they're with you in the first place.

Mik 

Hurt is something that is quite generalised in what we perceive it to be.  There are so many different types of hurt that we experience such as physical pain and mental anguish and every time feel different, even if it is the same thing over and over again.  We cry, we withdraw and we even wince; but 99% of the time we manage to heal.  How we do this is also different, as there are many different things in life that make us hurt.  The more I think the more I can't help but wonder; what is the best way to deal with hurt and is it as easy as 'cut, stitch, and close’?

It has been a while which means that there are quite a few things going on with me and yes, I have been hurting in some form or another for quite some time.  Some things I have closed, some things are still open, and some are still weeping and just waiting for the required action in order to make it better once again.

Working as an AE has been a thrilling and turbulent ride.  There's the added stress, longer hours, more needy customers and a lot more responsibility.  At first I felt a lot of hurt not knowing whether I was going to be able to pull off such a position the way I know how to.  Over the past 4 and a half months I have managed to surpass expectations and do the job well, but the added pressure and stress does take its toll.  In the end it's been quite simple; do the job, get results and then forget about it when I go home.  See, it's that simple; Cut, Stitch, Close.

Lately as some of you know I have had quite a time when it comes to my health.  First was the bout of Tonsillitis which had me off work for a few days, managed to bounce back from that rather quickly thanks to some great antibiotics but now as it seems, with some added stress, I have managed to come down with a nasty case of Shingles.  It hurts! The welts on my face, the incessant itching and the stinging pain, fever and downright crap that I am feeling.  The antibiotics seem to be doing the trick, although it hasn't stopped the urge for me to scratch my ear off completely. Cut, Stitch, Close.

Emotionally things have been rather up and down over the past month or so.  I have found myself getting rather lonely (I have my friends who are great, but sometimes it's just different) and missing more and more each day what I have craved for so long; to be reunited with The_One.  It hurts inside when I think that I am not going to get that chance, I have found myself unable to try building a relationship with anyone else because he's always in the back of my mind as coming back and wanting to take me home. Cut...

Recently I have had to sit and think about this cut, why it's hurting so much and I feel like it's a gaping wound that will never be fixed.  I begin to wonder if we are able to be just friends.  Last time it was Cut, Close, no stitching necessary, just close it out and it was done. It was painful, but easier.  I didn't have to see, hear or even watch what was going on as I didn't have it in my face as a constant reminder of what I had lost.  The hurt was still there, but I managed to close it off completely and over time the pain went away, with help the pieces were put back in their place and I moved on, albeit with a scar.

This time I'm not sure how to handle it.  I'm absolutely petrified of this cut and the idea of once again closing it off is something that hurts so deep, that I am not sure if I can do it again.  On the other hand, how can I fix this cut with him still in the picture? With the love that I have inside working it's will telling me that he's The_One.  I feel that it will turn into a botched stitch job and will never close, I will continue to weep until one day it festers and I'm left completely alone and resentful.  Right now all I know is one way to handle it, Cut, Close.

Yes it hurts, yes it's harsh, but it's the only way I know I'll be able to love someone else.  Picturing The_One with anyone else (worse if it's someone I know) would kill what's left inside me. Knowing that I can't just hug, touch, kiss and be completely whole with ever hurts more than anything else imaginable. Cut, Close.

We all handle hurt differently and I still question whether there is a right or wrong way to handle it.  Cut, Stitch, Close works well in situations where there's a definitive close, where the healing process can continue as it needs and be taken care of.  Cut, Close works when there's no room for complication, it needs to be fixed and the pain can be dealt with on your own, yes there is a scar but it's a reminder of what you went through, to stop history repeating itself over and over again.  How many of you actually use stitches when dealing with your own hurt? Are you better off for it?  How many scars do you hide and can they be reopened?  Finally, does it still hurt?

Mik

We form attachments to so many things in our lives; People, Animals, Possessions and even feelings which all have bearing on our emotions, moods and how we feel on a day to day basis.  Some attachments are stronger than others, depending on stages in our lives, how long we've had them and how they make us feel.  I find it amazing the types of attachments that we have throughout our lives and how some just lose grip whilst others are torn from us and can leave scars on our emotional growth.  The more I think the more I can't help but wonder; Are attachments born through different 'needs' in our lives and if so, as our needs change, why are they so hard to let go of?

Lately in my life my needs have changed based on a lot of changes that have occurred.  Mainly due to moving out again which is a major alteration to my life and with it comes the need to focus on different things in different ways.  I formed some attachments in my time back at home with more reliance on having my family in such close proximity and knowing that I had that safety net if need be.  I could go to my Parents or my Sister, get advice daily and lean on them more than I could in the past.  I find that it's a little scary leaving that safety net behind after 6 months even though I know that they'll always be there in the same way.  The question is though, am I having trouble letting go based on the fact that i am doing it on my own or am I scared that I'll revert to the way I was before?

I have a pet Cat that I have had since I was about 14 years old.  I have formed such an emotional attachment to her over the years as I watched her grow and the attachment was reciprocal.  I found out that my beloved cat had a stroke.  My father found her wobbling down the stairs before she fell and rolled to the bottom.  A bleed in her brain they said.  I feel that my cat is being torn from my life and I don't like the thought of not knowing she'll be there to purr in my ear and snuggle into me when I need her.  Is it strange that I have a stronger attachment to this pet than I have on people that I know?  I welled up when I was holding her in my visit to make sure she was ok. 

How many of you can say that you have become attached to something that you could be ashamed to admit?  It could be your favourite T-Shirt, Handbag, Toy, Blanket and even shoes.  How hard is it to throw those items away when you fully know you really can't use/wear them anymore?  We have this emotional attachment to them in one way or another being whether it was something that made us look good, feel better and even the accomplishment of buying it ourselves.  Don't you wonder how you can have this attachment to such an inanimate object?  Why is it so hard to let go?  Is it really going to be detrimental to our lives if we have to throw away those once amazing pair of shoes?

They say that a spring clean is something that rejuvenates the mind and cleanses the soul.  It's a metaphor about ridding our lives of the clutter so we can start afresh, be it mentally or physically.  We all go through stages in our lives where our needs change and we adapt to our surroundings to grow without all the 'excess baggage'.  How is it that we are able rid ourselves of previous attachments with such ease when there are others that stick with us?  Wouldn't you consider that 'excess baggage' or have we left just enough room to carry that across into the next stage?

We become attached to people more than anything.  You can be 'attached' to someone in a relationship or a friendship and 99% of the time that attachment is felt by the other party within that situation.  How is it that we can become attached to people when the attachment isn't returned?  I wonder how we allow ourselves to become attached to a particular person when feelings aren't reciprocated, views aren't shared and you aren't moving in the same direction.  Wouldn't it just be easier if we were able to lose that attachment in order to move on and try and form another?

Attachments are backed with feeling.  The strength of the attachment can be based on how much control we have over it.  We become attached to so many different things based on where we are in life, what we need at that present time and how they make us feel.  Be it a cat who has always show affection when you were upset, a pair of shoes that made you feel like Kate Moss (without the cocaine) and how a particular person made you feel.  I think that the feelings we have towards that particular thing is what makes it so hard to let go of.

In the end, we all have attachments and I believe that those we have no control over are the hardest to let go of.  A broken relationship, death, breakages, departure and all things as to which we don't control make it devastating when an attachment is lost.  We had no choice about losing that aspect of our lives which gave us such a good feeling.  All I can say is that no matter what the attachment makes sure that you savor every minute you have and remember what it's like to have it because you never know when one day that you no longer have it.

Mik

Life is full of chances, ones which we take with both hands and hold on for dear life, others are second chances where we feel wronged or something of the like and feel that maybe they should have the chance to redeem themselves.  Second chances usually have terms attached to them; obligations and pressure are placed on them to not mess up again and the one giving the chance will always have the upper hand.  Is this a good thing? Is that person who's receiving that second chance doomed to fail again due to the stakes being higher?  I begin to wonder; what really is the point of giving a second chance to someone when they're only setting themselves up to fail and realise that there are no more chances?

Life has been pretty good in some aspects over the past month with a few changes occurring and a lot of growing.  Telstra has given taken a chance on me by promoting me into the role of Account Executive, managing a nice portfolio of clients throughout the area for more money and perks.  This was the last chance I gave myself in terms of a career with Telstra as my last position had turned sour.  I have been in this new role for 2.5 weeks and I love it.  I enjoy going to work again and I am meeting some good people in the process.  I miss my friends from Billing but all in all I am glad I took the chance and jumped ship!

My passion for tennis has continued to grow over the past 4 months, with a great coach taking a chance on my abilities and is training me up to be the best player that I can be.  I am giving myself a second chance at seeing how far I can go with it and I am sticking to my guns.  I have done a lot of living in my relatively short life and I took a lot for granted; skills, hopes, dreams and even relationships.  I am glad that in life we are able to give ourselves infinite chances no matter how much we screw up.  We are in control of our lives and it's amazing what a bit of clear thinking and a great support network can help you achieve.

There are also times where we don't want another chance.  When a situation was too messy or really bad for us we a lot of the times don’t want a chance to make the same mistakes over again.  Socially I have come to realise that even though I have left the scene and do at times miss being on it, I don't want the chance to be put into situations where previously the decisions I made ended up tarnishing a good part of my life.  Don't get me wrong there are a lot of great memories and relationships built, but there are those hard times and poor choices that were made which puts a dark cloud above the whole period

When it comes to love second chances are prevalent in quite a lot of relationships.  People break up, people cheat, people hurt those they love and quite a lot of the time we're willing to give them another chance to rectify their mistakes and have the opportunity to make it right the second time around.  That's what I did, I gave a chance.  I allowed myself to open up and feel again and now I am beginning to wonder; what was the point?  Was the point so that they could feel better about themselves and ease their conscience about how much pain they put me through?  I again put myself out there for them and even though they say actions speak louder than words, when all you have is words, what is there to compare it to?  Promises were made and I am beginning to wonder if these promises were ever going to be kept.  I am still sitting here, waiting and come to think of it that's all I have ever done.  Waited.  The question is though am I going to be able to take it further in the future and give that elusive third chance?  Only time will tell if I have the strength to know that there is more to life.

Chances are taken, left, ruined or lived up to.  How are we to know at the time which way the chips will fall in the end unless we give it?  It can be brought back to whether we feel that people can change and be all that we wanted them to be.  In the end the choice is yours; give a chance if you feel that what you're giving it for is able to be redeemed.  I urge you to never forget the reasons behind why a second chance is needed in the first place.  We forget that so easily and than are surprised when it all falls apart and we are left in the same position as before.  That same pain returns and you begin to feel as though not only have they set themselves up to fail, but you've set yourself up for disappointment.

Mik

So many things in our lives have a lot to do with timing, Relationships, Jobs, Sport (for those skilled) and even everyday menial tasks.  At different stages in our lives we put things down to 'bad timing' when something doesn't quite work or doesn't go the way it was supposed to.  Some people seem to put too much emphasis on timing, because people sometimes need something else to blame rather than themselves.  On the other hand though, there are genuine examples on where timing can be askew in a situation that could possibly work in the future.  As I sit here I can't help but wonder; will those 'bad timing' situations ever re-present themselves at the 'right time' and will we try it again?

How many of you have a situation where you think that if the timing had been different it would have either gone your way, lasted a lifetime or even just made you smile?  What about when you thought that if something hadn't of happened then, it wouldn't have had the same impact?  Relationships, global events, disasters and even life happens around us everyday, but why then? Why now? Who decides these things?

Over the past month, I have had so many things come into fruition that has made me question a lot in regards to my job, my life and even about love.  Working life in a call centre always has its ups and downs, it's full of monotonous menial tasks that I either get bored with, or have fun with.  Of late I am struggling to have fun with any of it.  People are becoming more irritating and the pressure is becoming too much for people to handle. 

All of a sudden doing these same tasks just doesn't do it for me anymore and I have been persuing other job opportunities.  The question arises; why now?  Why not 6 months ago? What is different?  Have I got to a stage where I've had enough rather than just try enjoying it?  When I first started to dislike the job why didn't I look then?  I think that in this situation I myself wasn't ready to leave my job.  Over the past couple of months I have been able to get myself into the mind-frame that I can find something better, more enjoyable and more recognition for my skills.

I have informed you all that over the last few months I have been in contact with The_One and we have really become close once again.  Picture messages daily, phone calls, smiles and genuine emotion is back in our relationship again.  I have been told that The_One is moving back to Brisbane.  Messages have been exchanged about feelings, what-ifs and when this move is to take place.  I have dreamt about the day that those words would come from his mouth, even just to see him and have him apart of my life once more. 

Now the time has come, have I thought beyond him coming back?  If our relationship were to rekindle is the timing going to be right on this occassion?  Years have passed since we were last together physically and emotionally.  We both have grown, lived and experienced more in our lives and know what we want.  I can't speak for him but I know that the timing is right.  It won't be easy, but I know in my heart that it's perfect timing.

The Corporate Games is on the 20th of May.  I am playing tennis for Telstra, starting training again after a 3-4year lay off.  Timing of shot has returned, along with all the same problems (I'm so f'd up mentally!) but I think that the time off has done me well.  I have lived a lot since the racquet was put in the bag and I hung up my shoes.  I know what is out there and what I need to do to succeed.  I'm more determined to improve and see where my skills can take me.  The timing is right on this one, I can feel it.

It can be a second, a minute, a day, month or even years that have to pass by before a situation will once again arise itself and it change our lives.  I think we notice these situations come again as they were ones that impacted us quite significantly and deep down we know have the power to change us completely.  At the end of the day I realise that I had more growing, learning and living to do before these things in my life can occur.  I just wasn't ready for them.  Have you ever stopped to think that you were ready for every situation thrown at you?  Furthermore, have you ever thought about when you get that chance again?

Mik

Change is inevitable. One can avoid it for quite sometime, run away from it and even defy it. We ask ourselves why things have to change so much and so frequently, it's as if we finally settle ourselves and then everything gets knocked askew and we are stuck putting the pieces back together again. Change can be good or bad; it can be chosen or thrust upon us. Life throws many curve balls and if we are lucky enough to avoid being hit in the balls we can consider ourselves lucky and the change is for the good. The more I think about change the more I can't help but wonder; Is change good or bad based on the way we look at it and all things considered, really that scary?

Ok yes, it has been a long time since I have posted. Life has thrown a few curve balls my way in the past few months, which has me living at my sister's house in Capalaba. Money had become an issue and upon realising I couldn't afford to move into a new place, I had to bite the bullet and move back home. It has been an adjustment, living by 'their' rules and practically being the sensible person that I know deep down is in there. Another reason for the move is that I had to get away from all the drama, bitchiness and 'gay'ness of where I was living. I began to realise I'd stopped doing a lot of what I really wanted to do all in order to keep up an active social life of drinking and making out with peoples boyfriends (Once people! ONCE!).

I have begun to make some changes to the way I live and things that have taken up my spare time. I have started playing tennis again with a coach, going to the gym 4 times a week and generally doing the things that I've kept inside which I never wanted to give up. This year is a focus on me. I'm trying to get myself back to where I was; Strong, Independent and doing what I love. Changes are happening all over the place some are unavoidable and others are by choice, the question arises; which were which?

I ask myself questions, ponder even about whether changes that are occurring are good for me or doing the complete opposite, turning me into a fucking mental case. Things I once assumed were bad for me I now begin to question and I wonder where I will end up in the long run. Will relationships change? How much will I change? How much will my perceptions and take on situations change? Do I really want this? The list is endless; I wrack my brain trying to figure out the answers to the incessant questions. The thing is though, anybody asking these sorts of questions can't answer them. We don't know what is going to happen in the future, we are feeling our way blind as bats hoping not to get hit in the balls with a stray curver. Isn't this change stuff fun!

Another big question which we can answer is; what do we want from these changes? Those which we have an element of control over we appear to make in order to re-analyse, recuperate and even re-invent ourselves to make us better people. So what do I want? I want to find myself again, focus on being me and doing the things I enjoy whilst still saving money, maintaining a healthy social life without succumbing to the ways of the ghetto. And by that I mean avoiding Tweed, Flannel and most definately, Mullets.

The_One and I have managed to keep our relationship intact whilst still having that distance between us. We will always love each other and have the respect to want the best when the other is concerned. Speaking of relationships, I had an epiphany. Yes, an epiphany! I'm sure most of you will scream "Halleluiah" others grunt "About fucking time!" I realised that when it comes to a boyfriend, they need to be an addition to my life, not take over it like some have in the past. I have to keep my focus; still do the things I love and just hope that they will be able to accept that and still want to be with me for the time I can spend with them. Now that is definately a change for the good.

Changes in our lives can cause unexpected reactions, either good or bad based on the way we perceive their effect on us. Some change is unavoidable, unrepentant and even harsh, but if we look at the positive side to why this has to be made we can begin to see that it's all apart of growing. We will survive it, we will adjust to it (mostly because we have to) and we'll even begin to like it because that is how we as human beings adapt. Could you imagine a life without any sort of change? A life where you do the same things 24/7 and don't have the variety in life that keeps us interested in living it? I sure as hell can't so I will do whatever I can to make myself the best person I can be, doing what I love to do and surrounding myself with those who appreciate it. Mik

Life is full of different decisions, ones that can change our lives completely or those that can allow us to continue on our journey.  When it comes to making those decisions, how are we to know if it is something that is good for us?  Ok, there will be the decision that will not make any changes to our lives, but then there are those that will alter our paths and lead us into something so different, so unknown.  What does it come down to when making that final decision? Are we scared of what can happen?  Is there something holding us back from doing it?  The more I type I can't help but wonder; Are we more scared about the consequences of the decision or just too scared to make it?

Recent times have forced some decisions to be made and things to be questioned.  I have had to decide what is right for me in regards to a few things; Work, University, Life and Love.  University I have finally bit the bullet and have decided that Distance Education is the way for me.  I get to work the fulltime hours and not have to be there for classes.  This semester I managed to fail more classes than I passed.  Ok, I lose the perve, but I will gain a degree.  Hmm the quandary!  I am now concentrating on Mass Communication in Journalism, Media and Marketing (see if my writing can get me somewhere!)  Decision one out of the way, I can feel the weight lifting already (kind of like when Oprah dropped a stone!)

Work, where can I start!  The place is a hell hole (kind of like an eternity of watching Paris giving head) and I am just not happy doing the job anymore.  I love the people that I work with but it's the pressure, constant nagging and the inefficient way of running things.  An example of this was when I had my nervous breakdown, I was in tears at my desk and in the end, my old boss sat me down and asked how I was, in the end I went home.  Cut weeks later than my Floor Manager asked "what's wrong with Mik?"  I'm sorry, but where was he when I was bawling at my desk? Especially when he walked past numerous times, saw me and kept walking.  Don't you just love the compassion there?

We all know that my love life is a constant topic amongst my postings.  Have you ever met 'The One'?  It had been almost a year and a half since my last contact with The_One.  We hadn't spoken, even though we were so much in love that it hurt so much the times we were apart.  Well, we made contact a few weeks ago and can I tell you, feelings come flooding back no matter how much time had passed between us.  The voice, laugh and everything about him has made me feel all this emotion and made me realise more and more everyday that he was 'The One'.  Now I find myself questioning everything I have said since we broke up.  Do I still want him? Yes!  Could I go the long distance relationship until we can be together? Yes!  Scary but true.  I guess I’ll see what happens when I see him next month.

As I have explained, you can see how there are many different decisions that need to be made in our lives.  There are many different aspects that shape where we are going and who we are to become.  I think that we all have fears as to what we want to do because change is scary.  I think that when presented with a great opportunity we have to bite the bullet, take that chance otherwise we could end up regretting it because the same issues will arise again.  I'm talking the ones that brought up the need for the decision in the first place.  Do you have any regrets about what you didn't do in the past? If you don't have any regrets than Kudos to you, because you must be the happiest person in the world.

Mik