There are different periods in our lives really stick out in our mind, times of ease and triumph, coupled with those of misery, hardship and unsettling emotions.  It's amazing how these aspects affect us, how one can quickly change and be so unsure about life and what is going on around us.  No matter how hard we try we have a sense of unrest, we seem to struggle to keep pushing forward and everything seems just that much harder than before.  These periods don't always last for long, but can be quite hard to shake at the time of which we are feeling them.  The more I think I can't help but wonder; Are the struggles we go through always indicative of unresolved past which keep propping up until we finally see what the point is? Or are we merely putting up our own hurdles because we are scared of getting what we really deserve?

I've been living in Melbourne for 3 months now, I can't exactly say it's been the most easy of transitions from my previous life to this whole new world before me here.  Some days are harder than others, some situations seem just too difficult to go through and I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster at which any moment I could hurl and pass out.  I've been bashed, lonely, frustrated, nervous and felt so out of place that I sometimes question why I am really here.  On the opposite side I have laughed, met some amazing people and begun to open up to others when I really wasn't sure I would be able to.  I've struggled. There are situations which I've never experienced before, feelings that are so new to me and I wonder if my usual coping mechanisms are standing up to the task.  I've never felt unsure about who I am before, my boundaries are being pushed to the limits and sometimes I wonder if I'll actually get through it.

At the moment I'm in a temp job at which I consider hell on earth (I remember come downs that were more pleasant!).  Don't get me wrong I've met some great people (and not so great!) which has made me realise that past experiences with employers aren't as bad as to what it can be like in the outside world.  I've applied to go back to Telstra as an Account Manager, a job at which I was able to sink my teeth into and no matter how stressful, was able to believe in myself to be the best I could be.  I've struggled.  Finding work hasn't been the most easiest of experiences, one can begin to doubt their self worth and question their abilities to a point where you don't think you can survive.  I feel that this current struggle is telling me that my previous employment wasn't as terrible as I once felt.  Yes I was dealt some hard hands but I think if I were to have played it differently, things would have worked out better than they are now. 

I think finding friends has been the most difficult part of my move down here after leaving some of the most amazing people in the world.  I miss them dearly and amongst trying to convince them to move here, I realised that the hurdles I am facing to meet great people is in the end going to bring me to some amazing people who I will be able to trust, enjoy and love as much as I do those I left behind.  I've struggled.  It's not easy, especially in the Gay world when circles are pre-formed, groups are water tight and getting in there is a constant struggle to show who you really are and have people embrace you for it.  Have you ever felt so alone that you could scream and it'd be like no-one would notice?  I feel like I am the new kid in school, having to prove myself as being worthy of friendships, in a world where I know so few, from a world where I knew them all. 

Living with Str8_Cus has been fantastic, my one tie to normality in a whirlwind of change and emotion.  Like all family we have our differences and like all flatmate's we have our frustrations.  It's a different world living with family, even more so living with a heterosexual male.  There is a lot that I don't understand, a lot that I don't want to understand and situations I don't want anything to do with.  I've struggled.  I try to understand and do my utmost to relate to the person he is and for the majority I can, I do and go along with it.  But there are times at which I can't get my head around certain things and although I will never pass judgement, things play on my mind generating unrest and feelings of resentment that I've never had to deal with before.  My question is though; am I able to let go of these emotions before I literally go postal even though I'm not sure how to?  Or, am I being taught new things that I need to understand in order to grow as a more complete person?

There are so many things that hinge on one another for me to feel finally settled in this new city and this new life.  Job prospects will give me more security, which in turn allow growth socially that then allows for me to meet someone at which I can look at settling down with.  I feel like it's a waiting game on a field with no timer, so much uncertainty like I am an actor in a play at which I don't know the lines.  I've struggled.  It's like a game of Jenga where either emotionally or physically if the wrong brick is removed, it will all come crashing down around me.  Do you know what it's like to have everything finely balanced like a trapeze artist on a rope?  One unsure movement and you will lose balance and everything falls apart?  I feel that when I finally walk off that rope, I remove the final movable piece and start my own timer I will be happy with life and everything that's in it, allowing for someone special to enter it.

In the end I think the struggles we face are in effect our inability to keep control of our lives all the time and really look at things positively.  Things can get worse, it's not the end of the world because if we are able to believe that we can have true happiness, it doesn't matter about the things we go through to get there, but knowing what is on the other side.  If you have to worry only do it about the things that really matter, don't wallow in the things that are insignificant and will ultimately sort themselves out in the end.  Hurdles are meant to be jumped over and struggles may feel heavy, but knowing you're a strong person and taking the time to understand what's making us feel this way allow us to release the weight and move through pain, uncertainty and loneliness.  Your life is meant to be lived, how you see fit, don't look at hurdles as a struggle, but more a challenge for your mind to a world of great experiences.  I've survived.

Mik ;)